Still trying to figure it out.

I need to start setting some goals. I’v already put somethings in place. Baby steps, Small achieveabule tasks and so far doing good.  I’v managed 3 weeks of exercising mon wed Friday mornings.  Rembered to take my medicine each day. Started and finished tasks around the house. Made some items that i’m proud off. So let’s plan some more Be content with myself Be single not to date for a mth minimum  Look for any groups to join Mental Health Hobbie New Education  Work related 

Feeling flat and let down when I know I’m being stupid. So my friends where there for me when I found out about the affair. They didn’t message him as there was no need they where there for me.  Each said if/when they ever saw him again they would give him a piece of there mind. So time passes on. I’m still hurt. Time goes on. Then 1 of them sees him and they are pleasant to each other.  This is very grown up and probably there correct way to behave. But I feel let down. Stupid I know. But still this is how I am feeling

Self sabotage. I would get an A* if it was an examination. I just don’t learn.  I wasn’t worthy of a conversation of I’m unhappy in our marriage. I wasn’t worth putting in more effort. But for her you are learning another language.   Oh my fucking God. Why does that hurt me so much. For the right person he will make the effort, go that extra mile. But for me he couldn’t be bothered to ask how my day went. Let alone do anything thoughtful for me. Why do I go looking for this information thou. I now feel so crap and worthless all over again. And once again i’v brought it on myself. Because i cant let go. Clearly it’s me that’s the issue. He was like that with me and now with her. So it must be me that changed or did something. I feel sick and hurt like the affair was yesterday. I so need to get a fucking grip of myself 

The last few years have been difficult. Things have finally eased off. Stress levels have reduced and life seems to have gotten into a better flow. So why do I still struggle. I’m trying everything to improve my state of mind , my lifestyle and relationships. However one little thing happens and my head can’t take it.  I’v started  exercising 2 to three times a few.  Eating more healthy.  Make time for friends  Fun activity’s with my children  Reading  Practice mindfulness  Deep breathing Trying new experiences Opened up to new relationships  But one bit of information/news sends my head spiralling back. Back into self doubt and loathing,  over thinking the past. I can’t change the past. Looking back I did do the best I could at the time. But this feeling of why wasn’t I (why am I) not worth the effort. The time of A conversation. To tell me they where not happy, to try to work things out. When the only person I have ever loved and felt ...